Refinement

I’m truly amazed at where I’m at in life. God has given me everything I’ve ever wanted. An amazing loving affectionate husband, the school I’ve been dying to go to for years, and California. (: 

Its not that I’m NOT grateful for it all, and a part of me feels like I shouldnt even be feeling the way I do, but I’m really struggling with my different roles. I know that sounds stupid, but I am.

My hearts desire is to be an amazing wife that has food ready for her husband when he comes home from work. An employee that is recognized for her hard work. A student that is doing great in all her classes. A social butterfly that is making friends in San Diego….

I’m just not cutting it. 

I dont know how to juggle my, what.. 4 different roles? Its ridiculous..

Maybe I’m just too hard on myself, but I just have such high expectations. I recognize that I’ve only been married for almost a month, so it hasn’t been long at all. But I just want so much out of life. I want to be great at everything. Do great at everything. 

Moving out here was a gutsy gutsy move. I cant believe its just me, Matthew, and the Lord.  But I love it. 

I was talking to matthew about how 5 years from now, our lives are going to be different. We’ll be closer than ever, but everything around us will be so great and different and new. 

I’ve gotta say though, it feels so great to love somebody that loves you equally if not more in return. Its safe, its vulnerable, its raw and real. I know I will always look back at this time and smile.

Our couch time.
My chocolate chip cookies.
Giving Larry our full attention and blaming him for absolutely everything. Hahaha.
The Office marathons.

I’m just in love with my life. And I feel like it demands a lot out of me and thats where I feel like I’m struggling.. if that makes any sense?

I dont know, I’ll stop now. 

Loving someone is one of the most riskiest thing you can do in life.
I am terrified.

I feel like there is no solid ground. Like it doesnt exist right now.

My true concern is that what if he & I get so busy that we neglect our marriage.

Matt and I chose to pick up and move to a place where we know not one person. Matt is going to start a new job and I am going to work from home and plan a wedding and still be a full time student.

I’m being told by so many people to fucking enjoy the season I’m in right now, and I’m having a really difficult time with that. I’m just so drained, I really am. And on top of that, I’m covering my ass living out here.

I was talking to my mother today and she asked me how I was doing, how school was just around the corner.. I told her I felt the same way like I did last year in January. Which, was not good. I am so sad that I have no excitement about starting classes at the school I’ve been wanting to go to for 2 years now! How pathetic is that!

I’d really like a hug from Jesus right now.

I had a big meltdown this morning..

Work. School. Wedding. Money. Time. Energy.

Everything.

I feel like all my hard work is going nowhere.

SO.

I cried and cried after Matthew left. And cried.

I’m not really feeling any better. But at least I stopped crying.

I’m scared.

This is forever. January 7th.

When I’m working from home, I dont have to sit and my desk for 8 straight hours!!!!!

PRAISE. GOD.

I’m buying a wireless headset. And I’m going to be walking. And talking. And Sitting. And Standing.

So great. And so excited. (: